Experiment

A group of scientists are conducting an experiment. They have a room full of 100 people. They cut off everyone’s right arm.

50 of the people are very adaptable. They learn to use their left hand really well. They can complete all of their normal daily tasks with just one arm. They’re not too bothered by the loss of their right arm. They feel ok about it. In fact, some feel that they’re sort of special because they’re different. They would challenge anyone who said they’re somehow “less than” because they’re missing their right arm.

The other 50 people are also very adaptable. They’ve learned to use their left hand really well. They can complete all of their normal daily tasks with just one ar—“WAIT A MINUTE THESE MOTHERF**KERS JUST CUT OFF MY RIGHT ARM!!”

The subjects learn that their parents signed them up for the experiment before they were born; it was a necessary contingency of their creation. It is impossible to oppose it, because it would be paradoxical to their existence. In fact, they must be grateful to the experiment, the scientist, and their parents. They gave them the gift of LIFE.

***

Prospective parents are considering having their future children do the experiment, because, for them, it is their only option. Have kids who must be submitted to the experiment, or none at all. They join online forums to learn more about the experiment and its subjects. They discover that many have a negative view. This makes them feel bad, so they decide that they’d rather just hear from the 50 who feel ok about the experiment.

“Some people are actually really happy that they had their arm cut off. I want to hear from those positive people.”

“Sorry about those other 50 who are upset. They must not have very good parents, you know. It has nothing to do with having their right arm cut off. MY children definitely won’t feel that way.”

“My right arm is kind of dysfunctional. Yes, I still have it, but I don’t see what the big deal is, why do you want your right arm so badly? Sometimes I wish I didn’t have this dang dysfunctional arm.”

“No one really NEEDS their right arm, many people do just fine without it.”

“Some people lose their right arm in war. Or they get a terrible disease and have to have it cut off. So, it could’ve happened anyway.”

Some of the 100 get replacement arms. “You have a bionic arm, why do you care that your original arm is gone. Some people would feel lucky to have such a cool arm. Really it’s so much better than your original arm.”

***

Some of the 50 who are not ok with it go looking for their right arm. The scientists who conducted the experiment will not release any information as to the whereabouts of the arms. In fact, the subjects find that most of the information has been destroyed.

It seems no one has the right to their right arm.

Despite all odds, some people are able to find their right arm and have it sewn back on. It is a wonderful reunion. Unfortunately, it never quite works the same way.